Back.
And worse than ever.
I can't find solace in people. Not even family. Sometimes I feel so worthless and I think I can only be worthy enough if I were thinner, better looking. It makes me sad, makes me uncertain. It makes me feel insecure. I dare not walk around in the streets with my head high on some days. It's like this, clasping my hands around my waist, touching and reassuring myself that I can feel my hipbones, running my hands along the base of my ribcage, thinking silently that I am not thin enough. I think I am putting on weight. Too much, too fast. Got to get rid of it. People look up when I step onto the train. Am I too fat? Or do I look odd or am I ugly or something. Hands wrap around waist again. Automatically feels for bones. Still insecure. Thinks, must starve somemore.
At times I really feel unwanted. Sometimes dad stares at me as if I'm shit, like he never wanted me but oh gosh why the hell did I have to be born type. I can never do anything right when it comes to him. It makes me sad. It makes me feel like running away to a place where I will never see my family again, where people will accept me.
At softball people don't like me. I don't know. I just argh, School makes me feel uncertain ok. I walk through the canteen alone and I don't dare to lift my head up, I never look at anyone in the eye. I feel like shit. Shit. Like something for others to step on kind of thing.
But there are times when I am happy. I KNOW THAT. Argh but this is one of the times when I'm so low. Bother.
Okay enough ranting.
My chest is hurting because I lost it and binged and then purged.
oh darnn.
BYE. i don't need to get caught writing this.
(now you see why parents are of no help when it comes to talking about issues.)