Saturday, April 17, 2010

I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE MY LIFE.

why does it hurt so much? Is it because there's no one I can truly truly talk to. I can't talk about things. I just can't bring myself to, even typing it out in here. I can't really talk.

I HATE MY FAMILY.
I have pathetic childish parents who only know how to quarrel like a pair of immature kids. They aren't bad parents, just plain silly. So much for having brains. But whatever. I don't hate them, just hate their quarrels and immaturity. I guess.

Whatever.
Life sucks ok? Today I went with peng, hwan, ting, clara, qi, hui qi, bel, sihui and gina to just asia. Binged like mad on ice cream. Then went to throw it all up. I don't know what I was thinking, eating like that. Or throwing up like that. All I know is that the ice cream came up red. Blood.

I don't know why I still threw up although I know, I KNOW, my throat is injured or whatever. Now the middle of my gullet has that dull pain that occasionally feels like someone is stabbing me. At least there aren't chest pains like yesterday.

Anyway I hate what my dad does, the way he thinks I'm a screwed wild teen. The way he thinks I'm an idiot without judgement of what is right and wrong. But what the hell I'm not ok. I'm not dying to have a boyfriend or dying to wear make up and pout my lips at a camera all day long, I'm not that kind of girl thanks very much.
What the heck.

Whatever. Bye.

3:15 AM
love. Bone pretty.

â™¥

Friday, April 16, 2010

Today I think I took things a little too far.

Binged for lunch and dinner.
After lunch I couldn't take it so I went to the toilet and threw up. But only around 1/4 of my lunch came back up so I exited the toilet and went to the water cooler right outside and drank a ton of water. Went back in and threw up. That was when I realised I was throwing up blood. So I stopped. I've not thrown up until there's blood before. Really freaks me out. That means that there's a tear or wound somewhere along my gullet or stomach. Then there was this dull pain at my heart area and also around the middle of my gullet. Probably where all the bright red blood was coming from.
Gosh I binged for dinner but didn't dare to throw up again in case I cause the wound to tear further or something. I don't need that.

Even now it's still hurting and hurting. And I hate myself for eating.
Damn it.
It hurts like shit! Gives me the feeling that I want to throw up again. Or something dammit. ARGH.

OKAY byebye.

6:49 AM
love. Bone pretty.

â™¥

Saturday, April 10, 2010

After a successful less than 1000 calorie diet for 5 days, I have been forced to break it ): weekends. Always means meals with my family. Today for breakfast was coffee with a palm sized bun and a biscuit. O: Then lunch was cabbage with chicken and i think five mouthfuls of rice. Dinner was fish with veg and leftover rice from my own lunch :X I think I threw away most of the rice by shoving it into my mouth then spitting it out when they weren't watching. O:

But still, feeling quite hopelessly fat at the current moment. Sigh.
Life really sucks actually. Nothing's going well for me..
Gahh... Okay never mind. Byebye.

3:59 AM
love. Bone pretty.

â™¥

Friday, April 9, 2010

gosh, I can't believe you.
You got married today and didn't tell me. What the hell?
And then you post your wedding pictures on fb.
And the world gets a fuking shock.

Including me.

Mygosh, are you serious? You didn't even date her for very long and you're MARRYING her? Is this on impulse? I can't believe you are this type of person! Not that there's anything wrong but aren't you taking marriage a little too lightly?

6:47 AM
love. Bone pretty.

â™¥

Monday, April 5, 2010

Life really sucks.
But today was good (:

Food list:
-1 cup of milk - breakfast
-1 cup of milo - break
-1 cup oreo shake + 1 sushi + 1 egg :D - lunch
-1 cup tea + 1 cup coffee - dinner

Yay. that's today's eaten list. I think I missed out one fishball at dinner. Yeah.
Had training today. Still pretty energetic though.
Dance tomorrow.

14 days of this. Stay strong (:

Sigh.
The world doesn't understand me. I don't need to talk. I don't want to talk. I just want comfort. So simple yet so hard to find...? I'm so frustrated day by day. And this is the only way to curb my emotions and frustrations. Yet at the same time it makes me frustrated.

But whatever, better than nothing.

6:26 AM
love. Bone pretty.

â™¥

Sunday, April 4, 2010

It begins tomorrow.

2:51 AM
love. Bone pretty.

â™¥

Everything is breaking down. Life is choosing the worst time to crash down on me. I hate it. I hate all the quarrels.
I hate wanting to be anorexic but always failing failing failing. I hate the bitch I am. I hate the way I'm always so lonely these days, alone alone alone, wondering around, but never with a destination to go to. I hate the way I eat and eat and don't hate it. I hate the way I hate myself. But I Hate myself. And that won't change. I still hate myself.

I hate the way I can't control my eating. I hate the way I can't control my life.
I hate everything. I hate the way my life keeps crashing down. I HATE EVERY STUPID DETAIL OF MY LFIE.

I just hate EVERYTHING. Sometimes I wish I could DIE. And DIE AND DIE AND FREAK SO I DON'T HAVE TO BLOODY CARE ABOUT THE WORLD. or how I look. Or what people think of me.

sometimes I wish I were dead.
DEAD DEAD DEAD.

I'm not mad. I'm scared of dying too. But life's so hard. Alone. Cornered by the people around me. Oppressed. Silenced.

Sometimes I wish I could indulge in anorexia, because then I will love myself.
And I'm afraid people will see this side of me. Because they will do something,

To 'HELP' me. But help will break me down. And force me to the edge of my patience. Evoke my anger.

I don' need counselling or doctors. I just need love.

And the world can't give me that. It's a pity, isn't it?

2:43 AM
love. Bone pretty.

â™¥